


A Bump in the Road

by thaniveeverbean



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Graphic Description, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-05-22 14:39:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6083154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thaniveeverbean/pseuds/thaniveeverbean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isnt what Tyler planned. Its not what anyone planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Road is Rough

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for graphic depictions of self harm, it can be seen as a suicide attempt. I will possibly write more to this, we will see. |-/

Tyler has never cut his wrists, it always seemed too final. When he was younger he had taken a blade to his stomach though. He had cut long horizontal lines across his stomach. But he still had never cut his actual wrists. Instead he did this thing, where he would hold the blade vertically to the very middle of his wrist. He never pressed down or pulled up, he would just...hold it. He liked having that control, he got to decide, 'no not today'. He sometimes would hold it there for hours, sometimes his mind would completely shut off, sometimes his mind would be screaming to do it, sometimes his mind would sit there and weigh the pros and cons, but he had never pushed down, not yet. This...tradition, so to speak, was becoming a more and more frequent occasion. Which was starting to alarm Tyler as they were on tour and you cant spend two hours in the bathroom without someone getting extremely suspicious. He just feels like he /needs/ to do it. He cant make himself move on to his next task till hes done it. But, to keep himself inconspicuous he waits until nighttime. Where he can sit crisscross on the floor with his back against the sink counter and just stare at the veins in his wrist, drag his eyes along them as they snake up his arm and dissappear under his shirt sleeve, this is where his mind is its quietest, its also where his mind can be its loudest. He holds the same blade he's had since he was 15. Today is different though, he has not been as satisfied with just holding it, he lightly presses down. Not enough to break skin. Just enought to know that it could. He feels like static. The tour bus lurches suddenly cause Tyler to shove the blade deep into the flesh of his wrist. His heart stops and his face flushes. He panics and yanks the blade away from his wrist, he watches the blood run out for a few seconds before getting off the ground and rushing to grab the first aid kit, he attempts to run cold water over the cut but its stings too much and his knees grow weak. He tightly wraps his arm in thick gauze and tapes it securely, he has no idea if he will need stitches. It was pretty deep but his mind is shutting down in panic and he cant breathe. He cleans up everything the best he can with his shaky hands and leaves the restroom. The dim lights of the bus guide his way to the bunks. He stops when he sees blood drip on the ground he looks at his wrist and sees he has bled through the gauze. Hes gonna need stitches. He starts to panic what will everyone think. They are gonna think he wanted to die. 

'If i kill myself, i wont have to deal with this.' He thinks to himself, he stops pacing for a split second and considers it. No. Not today. His blood is still dripping down his hand. He goes to the bunks and hesitates before opening Joshs curtain. 

"Josh?" Tyler shakes him. 

"mmmm Tyler?" Josh turns toward the pale boy.

"Josh, i fucked up. We need to go to the hospital." Tyler says, the panic he feels is starting to clog up his throat. 

"What? Tyler, whats going on? Are you okay?" Josh asks alarmed. He slids out of the bunks when Tyler shakes his head no, Tyler doesnt stop though.

"nononononononononono..." Tyler is afraid. He's so stupid. Why did he do this.  
Josh runs to the front of the bus, presumably to request they head to the nearest hospital, but tyler is too busy staring at the pool of blood thats accumulated at his feet and he thinks he's gonna pass out. What if he can't play piano anymore. What if he knicked a nerve and can't play ukulele or any instrument, what if this ruins everything him and Josh have built. What if Jenna leaves. Or worse...what will he do if Josh leaves.

Josh comes back quickly pulling Tyler to the front of the bus and they sit together on a couch.

"Oh, Tyler..." Josh whispers as he sees his wrist, the gauze completely soaked and puts Tylers limp hand on his thigh, he uses his hands to apply pressure to the cut.

"Please dont be mad at me, it was an accident, this wasnt what I had planned, Josh. Dont leave, please?" Tyler quietly begs, he has tears running down his cheeks.

"Tyler, you should have woke me up, i would have helped..." Josh is quiet and as calm as he looks his mind feels like its literally screaming. 

"nononononononono, this wasn't intentional, it was an accident, i wasn't trying to kill myself, Josh. I know I'm fucked up and I'd be lying if i said i hadn't thought about it before, but this wasn't my plan." Tyler is rocking back and forth, he feels tired. He leans against Josh and rests his head on his shoulder. 

"hey hey hey hey, Tyler. We are almost there, hang on." Josh starts to panic but doesn't want to remove pressure. He can see the light leaving Tylers eyes, not that there was ever much there anyway.


	2. We Can Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is scared. Tyler is too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he he he... sorry about that long wait, if anyone still cares... :^/ this was written on my phone so please excuse the mistakes. stay safe.

Josh holds his hands tightly around Tylers small bony wrist. He tries his best to not blame himself, but how can he not. He had noticed Tylers long disappearances. He never questioned them before. He just assumed he was jerking off like any normal person would. I mean...yeah they were...rather long and quiet but who is he to judge what Tylers into. Tyler slumps heavily against Josh. His head lulls onto Joshs shoulder. 

"Tyler, c'mon bro...just a little longer, man. C'mon." Josh can see the hospital.

Tylers mouth falls open, saliva runs down his chin and onto Josh. Not that he even notices. He only sees the pool of blood theyre sitting in and the amount that cakes his hands and arms. Its smeared across his chest. He crying so hard. Hes so scared. What if he's not gonna be okay? They pull into the emergency room entrance and stop next to the doors. He has never been in this sort of situation so he reacts purely off of instinct. He holds Tyler against his chest and has the bus driver grab his legs. They rush into the emergency room. Everything after that goes so fast. Its a flurry of nurses doctors and IVs. Josh has three full on panic attacks and Tyler flatlines twice. Josh has never been so scared. He looks like a mess. Not that he cares. He has blood smeared all over his body and hes in his pajamas. He has to call Tylers family and the crew. Mark Shows up a few hours after they get there and he hugs Josh. He also goes out onto the bus and cleans up. He knows Josh cant do it. When he comes back in he has clothes for Josh. He has to drag a limp Josh into the bathroom and force him to clean up a little. It takes the staff of the hospital until sunrise to get Tyler stable. Josh sits with Mark under the dull lights of the emergency waiting room. A nice nurse offers them blankets while they wait and Josh is surprised when they feel like they are fresh out of a dryer. It makes Josh feel a little better somehow.

At 7:38 am Josh is finally allowed to see Tyler. The same nurse that gave them the blankets leads him through a short maze of halls and stops out side of an open door. 

"Have a good day." She says gesturing into the room. Josh walks in and sees Tyler all cleaned up. His arm is bandaged and he look far less pale. Josh lets out a breath. 

Josh sits in the chair next to the bed. The only sounds are Tylers shallow breathing and the soft mechanical whir of a machine he can only assume is administering some sort of medication into Tylers IV. 

"Tyler." Josh says, shaking his shoulder. 

"mmmmm." Tyler hums and cracks open his eyes. He smiles widely and attempts to sit up. Josh puts his hands on his shoulders and lightly pushes him back down. 

"Joshie. Joshie. Joshie. My pal. My bro. My bestest buddy." Tyler slurs while making grabby hands toward Josh.

"What do they have you on?" Josh asks, he takes Tylers hand, the one with the IV. 

"Morphine..." Tyler says quietly " I almost was dead." 

"You were dead. You flatlined twice." Josh says, not even trying to leave the resentment out. 

"oh." 

"oh is right, Tyler." Josh says quietly.

"Im sorry, Josh, I didnt mean to do it. I fucked up real bad, Im so sorry." Tyler whispers, his bottom lip pops out, he looks like hes about to cry.

"What happened then, Ty?" 

"I...I, okay so, you know im fucked up," he points to his head, " in here...I do this...thing where i just hold a razor above my wrist. The bus went over a bump at the exact wrong time and shit hit the fan." 

"Tyler..." Josh sighs 

"I do it cause...when...everything gets too overwhelming, i dont want to actually cut, but just holding it there....having the option to press down. It usually is enough." Tyler attempts to be coherent, but hes too out of it to string together the proper words that form complete and full sentences. 

"Tyler, I love you, man. You have to be more careful." Josh whispers with tears in his eyes. 

"I love you to, Jish." Tyler smiles softly and closes his eyes.

While Tyler sleeps, Josh takes care of the shit storm that is Tylers family and the fans. He has to contact their label and explain whats happened, then they have to release a public statement. Jenna is a mess. He tries not to be angry but every time she opens her mouth he wants to vomit. She doesn't deserve Tyler. Josh hates her so much, for no other reason then she gets to love Tyler the way he wants to love Tyler. But he cant. It also doesnt help that Jenna is constantly blaming Josh. For not being there, for not noticing, and all he can do is mumble an apology, cause shes right. It is his fault. No matter how many times mark hugs him and tells him its not. He should have seen it. But he didn't and he's an awful friend. 

Josh doesn't leave Tylers room.He can't bring himself to leave him, when he looks so...broken. Josh just hopes Tyler will be able to fully recover from this, if he can't play his music what will he do? Josh rests his head against the side of the stiff bed. He falls asleep trying to convince himself it will be okay


	3. A Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again watch out for triggers. Even people who arent easily triggered. Also i feel like this chapter is hard to follow and doesnt really make sense but that my style sooooo

Tyler gets to leave two weeks later. He leaves with three prescriptions. He tells himself over and over that having to take meds doesn't mean he's crazy, but its hard to make himself believe that when six people watch him swallow each pill. The cut is now fully scabbed over. He still wears a bandage over it because he seriously underestimated how triggering your own scars and cuts can be. He had forgotten the itch, the need, the want. He had been clean for so long and now that this happened he wants it again. 

The worst part about people thinking you attempted to kill yourself, is that everyone is constantly watching you like you're gonna do it again. He feels like a kid again. He half expects people to start holding his hand when he crosses the street. It makes him wish he had considered death as a more legitimate option. 

Tyler had thought he would recover a lot quicker now that everyone new about his intense mental health issues. But, if anything, he was getting worse. Josh was always there, with that look of pity in his fucking eye and Tyler was quickly getting sick of the constant 'let me see your arms' 'let me see this' ' let me see that'. Its bullshit. Tyler's a full grown adult yet no one ever believes him when he says that it hadn't been his intention. He hadn't planned to die.

It takes a week after being released before everyone gets tired of feeling sick when Tylers in the bathroom for more than a minute. Mark takes down the door. Tyler punches a dent into the outside of the bus and cries for a full thirty minutes. Josh just sits on the steps and cries with him. With his hands tucked over his ears, he rocks back and forth.  
Tyler apologizes over and over. Josh runs his fingers over the dent.

They start playing shows again after a month. Tyler specifically ignores anything having to do with his trip to the hospital. He doesnt stop to say hi to fans after the shows. He just gets onto the bus pointedly not looking at any of the gathered fans. Josh runs his finger over the dent and trails behind him. 

Tyler lost his passion. He has no idea where he left it, but its gone. He sings the same words to the same tunes and he plays the same notes at the same pace. The meds make him feel dead. Spacey. Gone. He never wanted to be gone. He wants everyone to stop thinking they know whats best for him. Hes tired.

Tyler stops taking his meds the day after people stop watching. He feels manic compared to the dead ghost of himself hed been for so long. He flushes them all. Josh knows but is afraid to say anything. Hes always afraid. 

Tyler purposefully cuts himself again after people stop checking. He found that even with out the meds his passion on stage is gone. Its his fault. He did this. He wishes he had severed every nerve in his fucking arm. Then he'd at least have an excuse.

three months, two days after his initial accident Tyler takes it too far. He can't remember what city they are in, but the hotel they are in is nice and large. Him and Josh have their own rooms. He takes advantage of this and deadbolts his door. He has to be smart about this. He tells Josh on the phone that he's going to bed early. Tells him goodnight and everything. Then he stations himself in the bathroom. By nine at night the crisp white porcelain of the large jacuzzi bathtub is stained muddy red. He finally feels weightless. He tries not to feel bad when he cleans himself up. He puts the bandages on tighter this time around. He knows he has a lot of worryingly deep cut littered around his skin. He doesnt panic this time though. This, he had planned. He knew what was happening. He was in control of this. He decided that today, today was the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. I love all of you. stay safe.


End file.
